24/2/2024

 12:30am, Saturday

24/2/2024

-
when they ask me,
'would i ever love?'
with disdain, i reply,
"i could never, oh no.
an act so sinful? i shan't
spiral into such depravity."
(when the final flickers
of light are blown out,
i clutch at my heart, pained.
the longing within my bereaved heart
bubbles up in my lungs.)

when they ask me,
'what does love mean to you?'
i scoff, and answer,
"hah, an act as foolish as that?
it is nothing but a joke
uttered in the midst
of cans of soda in the twilight shine-
nothing short of make-believe."
(i lie in the grass,
feeling it prickle at my back.
my mind bleeds and blends
with the thorns that my futile obsession
has sprung up and nurtured.
and something bitter, salty
pricks at the crow's feet
who sits on my shoulder.)

when they ask me,
'is there someone you love?'
i chortle, and say,
"my, i couldn't ever,
what use are such trivial feelings
directed to someone
who doesn't deserve the least of them?"
(i clutch a faded, yellowed picture
nearly crumpling it in my grasp;
furiously, gently, muttering
garbled 'thank you's' and 'sorry's'.
i pluck a few young sprouts
of cedar leaves from my fingertips,
and press them between
fragrant, worn pages,
hands trembling yet gentle,
as though caressing a prayer.)

"my heart knows no love."
(yet it aches with the burn of it.)

15/2/2024

 15/2/2024, Thursday.

10:27 a.m.
-

I sip at my second cup of tea
this evening.
Lounging in the backyard,
I feel familiarity settle in
as the tendrils of my old skin
creep up and wrap around my fingers.
Suddenly, I am thrust into
an onslaught of visions-
Saccharine sips of cooled lemonade,
Trampled grass, bruised knees,
The whoosh of a bicycle rushing past
only to be greeted
by the summer-scorched asphalt.
Voices, now unintelligible
seek out this decoy of myself.
The telling pitter-patter of tiny footsteps
rings louder in my ears.
Louder, louder, louder,
it does not cease, till my mind is in a spin.
I cannot discern whether or not
that thumping sound blooms from my own heart.
Just as I am certain
my heart shall burst open,
I jolt awake from my reverie-
The alarm rings out, loud and clear.
The sun has gone to rest,
and its place take the burning stars.
I look down, at the creaking floorboard-
the cup has shattered.
I gather the broken shards
and head back inside.

4/2/2024

 4/2/2024, Sunday

6:40 p.m.

-

oh, and they loved him so much. they observed his every move, watched over him. protected his lifeforce as their integrity crumbled away. they kept him safe as their halo drooped with each passing day. they observed the humans he loved, and endeavored to be better than them; more deserving of his love than those cretins. they saw his gaze linger in the eyes of those others. they never understood why, and asked their God, "wherefore doth those creatures gazeth into another's eyes?" God replied, as gently as ever, with understanding twinkling behind those omniscient eyes, "thy human felt love therein." so they formed a hundred pairs of eyes, each pair larger than the next. this way, their love would love them hundredfold.

another day, they watched him receive some statue, not unlike the ones fashioned in their image. they saw him stand with his features upturned, in what seemed like joy. he then rushed, to embrace another of his kind, and it too, wrapped its arms around him. they did not understand this- why would these creatures hold another close, if they felt joy? was joy not found in emancipating those sinners from the gift of Life, all those who stood against Oneself? they found themselves turning to their God yet again, looking for answers. they expressed their confusion, to which God, with his infinite compassion, repeated his answer, "thy human felt love therein." so, they grew a hundred wings, with feathers softer than the clouds filling them in. now, their human would feel love in their embrace too.

oh, but Fate plays cruel tricks. and they were no such exception to Her will. one night, as the wind laid low, they appeared in his abode -their shrine- to finally, finally love him. but they never understood why, their beloved, wailed and trembled upon laying his eyes upon their form. at this, they felt an ugly twist in their being.

did they not craft themselves to his liking, so they too, may be loved by him?