17/11/2024

 17/11/2024, Sunday

11:23 p.m.

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there's a small itch at the back of my eyes. i rub them, and try to make it stop. but it doesn't. it itches more and more with each movement. it starts to sting, and aches dully behind my eyelids. i continue to rub at them. and now it burns. and there's salty droplets pooling at the corners. my hands fall to my side; my tears fall to my cheeks. and they flow and flow and flow. now, i can taste the bitter salty sorrow brimming within me. and now my eyes are damp, my cheeks are damp, and I am left staring at a reflection of myself in miniature seas. the surface is smooth, and yet I seem to see thin, little cracks on my face. and i look at myself, with red cheeks and a red nose and red-rimmed bloodshot eyes. i look at my arm and heart, and there's more red there too. i shut my eyes, tired of it. but under the bright fluorescent light, all i see is red again; and my world burns down to the ground. 

14/11/2024

 14/11/2024, Thursday 

12:07 a.m.

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it is a tremendous grief that consumes me. what have i done wrong? why am I facing retribution for crimes I've never commited? i have been begging for answers for so, so long. but I am denied that comfort by this unforgiving pain. belittled by myself to the point of mediocrity, i don't know what I am worth anymore. does anybody hold me in regard? am i cherished? sometimes the line between care and tolerance seems to blur. a gaze of sympathy and that of contempt both seem to be the same. perhaps they are the same; afterall, I am undeserving of love. i have encroached and gluttonized on this lush, plentiful meadow of love for too long. and now, the flowers and grass have begun to wilt. everything under my feet and before my eyes has rotted to dust. i remain, in the midst of it all; still standing, and yet defeated. like the life around me, i too have crumbled.