8/9/2025

 08/09/2025, Monday

11:30pm

-

and oh, love, you've gone and moved on. you've ripped the scabs right off my heart, hurting me right where it aches the most. I thought I was better, I thought I didn't care. and, if I went back in time I know I'd still do the same. and yet. and yet, I find myself hurting and aching. something's sprung up in my heart, and I cannot still name it. but whatever it is, it's got me by the neck. I try to put it in words, but the true nature of this feeling eludes me. it hurts me nonetheless.

was I wrong all along? did I make a mistake? I know I wasn't, and I know I didn't. even so, these questions arise in my mind. I'm slamming doors open and shut, looking for a reason to justify myself. I'm looking through every room, every nook and cranny of my mind to find an explanation. but my hands turn up empty, each time I grab at the darkness. I want to put a name to this feeling, this pain. but there is nothing. just empty rooms, empty words, empty hearts.

'I'm envious' – 'no, I'm resentful'. 'of course not, I'm just upset' – 'no way, I'm grieving'. 'oh please, it's just my inferiority complex'. is there a word for what I feel?

I don't resent you, I don't love you; I don't care about you, I don't want to talk to you. so tell me why I still feel this way? what is it that I feel?

and I have a wealth of questions for you, which I'm sure will never be answered. why did you do it? was it to get back at me? was it to prove a point? was it to humiliate me? what was it? did you achieve what you wanted? did you get what you anticipated? are you happy now? does it make you feel better? do you feel like you've got an upper hand over me now? 

why could you move past it, while I'm still stuck in the past?

why?

6/5/2025

 Tuesday, 6/5/2025

12:59 a.m.

- 

and there is this space 

in my heart that lies agape.

a puzzle missing a piece

that now remains incomplete.

that forlorn, grieving chasm

that aches with every spasm 

when it beats against my will,

reminds me of what I've lost.

everything surrounding me

filled with bits and pieces of peace

now bring me nothing but 

this gut-wrenching pain.

my hesitation had a cost

and i know what I've now lost;

now I know what I once had.

and yet, it makes little difference.

i cannot change fate

nor make time change its ways.

the fool that I am, possessed a jewel

whose value i could not appraise.

this precious, precious jewel

was left in the hands of fools.

yet, it shone like none other;

yet, it was cast into the dirt.

now, this jewel sits

in heaven's crown, where it fits–

finally in the hands of one

who can truly appreciate it.

and we are left behind, with bittersweet memories.

and we are left behind, with former belongings.

and we are left behind, with silent mourning.

Fin~

4/4/2025

 4/4/2025, Friday 

11:56 p.m.

-

and i reach out to the stars to hold them,

and keep them within my grasp

but as I see the sky crumble in my palm

i realise that the stars were never meant to be held

by one mortal such as myself

as they burn too bright; all-engulfing.

they are better off being admired from afar, unattainable as they are

and they shall slip through my fingers

like golden sand trickling.

and the stars will shine brighter here on; no longer shrouded in my shadowy grasp.

and fond they shall remain, in my eyes, in my heart.

fond, and yet better gone.

Fin~

16/2/2025

 16/2/2025

Sunday

11:31 p.m.

the obsession i had with [REDACTED] is something I'll (thankfully) never experience again. she permanently altered my perception on friendships, and I don't know if I should thank her, or hate her for it.

 i catch myself wondering sometimes about too many what-ifs, when it came to her. I dreamt of a dramatic, emotional, movie-esque reunion with her, filled with sunshine and daisies, when the bitterness of betrayal was still fresh on my tongue. I hoped for so much. but she'd already moved on. and eventually, so did i. i still remember her from time to time, but all that lingers is the aftertaste of a childhood memory. now, that is all that remains of her. but, I cannot deny that a good few bricks in the pillars of my mind have permanently been replaced with those of her likeness. 

regardless, i hope you're doing well now, wherever you may be, [REDACTED]. i miss you no longer, and my resentment towards you has long dissipated. i only pray that we never, ever meet again. 

7/12/2024

 7/12/2024

7:30 p.m.

-

i sneak out of my room

up onto the rooftop with mosaicked tiles.

the landscape all but empty

only a blanket of shadows stretching for miles.

above me a gleaming light i spy

the one true beacon that shines bright

after the sun has had enough and left

granting my soul a final respite.

i count the miniscule sparkles in the sky

and wonder if they are akin to my kind;

burning up for eons, the pain never ceases

their agony forever frozen and enshrined.

but stars too tire, they too loathe

their beauty, their pain, both utterly revered.

and slowly they bleed, till the ichor fades to light

perhaps they know too, that their end is near.

finally it all comes to a head 

and they explode, a rainbow scattering of light,

splatters of shimmer gracing the emptiness.

even in death the universe glorifies their plight.

i tear my gaze away from the sky

and stand straight up on the mosaicked tiles

i glance at my guiding light up high

and just for my kin to see, i finally smile.

i put one foot ahead of the other

as the tiles crack and shift with each stride i take.

and as i forge my final path ahead,

from the universe's bindings, i finally separate.

adrenaline shoots through my being

as the final step is treaded.

my pace quickens, blood thrums in my veins;

and in the air my stardust wings i spread.

fin~

17/11/2024

 17/11/2024, Sunday

11:23 p.m.

-

there's a small itch at the back of my eyes. i rub them, and try to make it stop. but it doesn't. it itches more and more with each movement. it starts to sting, and aches dully behind my eyelids. i continue to rub at them. and now it burns. and there's salty droplets pooling at the corners. my hands fall to my side; my tears fall to my cheeks. and they flow and flow and flow. now, i can taste the bitter, salty sorrow brimming within me. and now my eyes are damp, my cheeks are damp, and I am left staring at a reflection of myself in miniature seas. the surface is smooth, and yet I seem to see thin, little cracks on my face. and i look at myself, with red cheeks and a red nose and red-rimmed bloodshot eyes. i look at my arm and heart, and there's more red there too. i shut my eyes, tired of it. but under the bright fluorescent light, all i see is red again; and my world burns down to the ground. 

14/11/2024

 14/11/2024, Thursday 

12:07 a.m.

-

it is a tremendous grief that consumes me. what have i done wrong? why am I facing retribution for crimes I've never commited? i have been begging for answers for so, so long. but I am denied that comfort by this unforgiving pain. belittled by myself to the point of mediocrity, i don't know what I am worth anymore. does anybody hold me in regard? am i cherished? sometimes the line between care and tolerance seems to blur. a gaze of sympathy and that of contempt both seem to be the same. perhaps they are the same; afterall, I am undeserving of love. i have encroached and gluttonized on this lush, plentiful meadow of love for too long. and now, the flowers and grass have begun to wilt. everything under my feet and before my eyes has rotted to dust. i remain, in the midst of it all; still standing, and yet defeated. like the life around me, i too have crumbled.